by E. E. Cummingslove is more thicker than forgetmore thinner than recallmore seldom than a wave is wetmore frequent than to failit is most mad and moonlyand less it shall unbethan all the sea which onlyis deeper than the sealove is less always than to winless never than aliveless bigger than the least beginless littler than forgiveit is most sane and sunlyand more it cannot diethan all the sky which onlyis higher than the sky
Source: Poetry (January 1939).
I’m addressing people here, because to do so singly (is that a word?) at the moment is a bit to overwhelming and would take hours with everything I want to say.
Have you ever posted something on facebook and said, “why the hell did you do that?” But at the same time, are so very thankful you did? Most people who are on my facebook page are here because I love them, and genuinely want a way to stay in touch. And while I feel that my last post was immature in many ways, I cannot allow myself to regret it because it was what I needed. While I love each and every one of you for different reason, I bottle things up. Even with a therapist. I bottle things up. So to show that side of me to everyone is hard, but I felt it needed to be done. I don’t want to pretend, but I cannot allow it to drag me under anymore. It was a way of reaching out. I know there are plenty of people there for me, but sometimes I don’t feel that is the case, because I know I’m not there for everyone I would like to be there for. I also feel that way because let’s be honest, this past semester, I’ve been quite withdrawn. I didn’t want to draw attention to the issues, because who wants to admit that you’re as weak as you are for a few moments in your life, and that you need help. It can be hard in the society we have created around ourselves. And I do not mean to hurt anyone in saying this, but I could not think of just one person I could get ALL of that out to. It’s not because I do not think no one could handle it, but more like a coming out process. I just don’t want a few people to see the other sides of me I try to bottle up and not allow in public because I myself think they are ugly, and yada yada. But I want everyone to know, need everyone to know. There are all these quotes out there about the girl hiding behind her smile. Well, I’m tired of doing so, and I wanted my whole community, my wonderful sisters, my co-workers, my past co-workers, my friends, and everyone along the journey to know that things are not as what they seem. I had allowed things to get so bottled up that it was like a champagne bottle cap bursting out. I needed that moment of what could be perceived as selfishness, and a bunch of other negative things. And yes, there is some of that, but when feelings overwhelm you so much, and you don’t know who to turn to, even though there are 30+ potential people to turn to, this is the only thing I felt was right, and that I could do. So forgive me my moment of selfishness and a bit of attention seeking.
Most importantly, I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who reached out. It’s one thing to know that logically you’re not alone, and to truly have reality hit you in the face and realize, you’re not alone. Everyone reaching out to me has really just boosted everything in me. I have allowed myself to wallow in negativity for so long, that I really needed that community and individual hug so to speak to help anchor me back to the ground.
Right now, I think I need to learn how to walk again. And last night I wanted to scream, kick, yell, hit things and say “fuck this.” I was just so tired. But dawn as come again, and it’s time to keep going. And you know what, I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to change, or are incapable of it. Sometimes, when things are really good in my life, and I’m on a high, I don’t know how to handle those feelings, because that darkness comes creeping back in through the cracks that are trying to heal. And yes, I do know that sometimes, you need to be “selfish” and put your needs in front of others and that it is perfectly okay to do so. And yes, plank in the eye, sand in your own, I know the quotes, I know the sayings. But I am the type of person that if I can take away any form of suffering from them for just one second, one second, I’ll do it. I’m not good at showing it, and often my forms of affection get rejected for bitterness, bitchiness, sarcasm and cynicism. And while I am not denying that they are present in my life, and that is the outlook I often default to, I truly care about people, and am there for them, even if I’m shitty at showing it. I’m really awkward when it comes to emotion, I’m not good at comforting people, even when I want to. Sometimes, it’s so hard to take that step forward and just hug someone, because I’m scared at that moment my own vulnerability will cause me to shatter.
But thank you to everyone who has reached out, has stopped their own busy schedules, has laid their burdens to the side for a few moments to show me that it’s okay that I’m struggling. To let me know that even though there is negativity and some not so pretty qualities about me, that there are some positive things, and that there are people to help me. That yes, I have made some mistakes, and that yes, I have hurt people, but that can be worked on. I can make amends to the best of my ability, and can try to be the best I can be. I know it won’t be easy. If it was easy, I’d probably just revert back to dark spaces so much more. Anyways, without a good challenge, it wouldn’t feel as though I’ve accomplished anything.
And let me apologize in advance for the avoidance. Yes, I posted this on facebook to reach out to anyone and everyone. Facing everyone now is overwhelming and nerve wracking. You can’t see depression, you can’t see the darkness, and it can be easy to let the thought of “what do they really think now?” overwhelm you. Also, I so rarely show what I feel is me at my most vulnerable to a huge number of people last night, that it is just a tad overwhelming to accept that huge rush of positiveness that could suffocate you in it’s own right, be it in a much more positive way. It’s hard to face everyone, to let everyone see the face that has carried the moments of weakness. So please understand and be patient if I am quiet, shy, and just overall trying to calm back down a bit and let the people in who I have reached out to. It’s a new thing for me, to let people in, but something I’d love to try, and hope am deserving of.
I really cannot express how loved everyone has made me feel. It has taken away some of the darkness and cynicism that has resided in my life, and I truly feel a bit lighter for it.
With all my love and gratitude and feelings I cannot begin to put into words,
…I’m not who you think I am.
I’ve wanted to get this out for a really long time. This darkness for the last four months is eating me alive. I thought it was becoming more bearable, but instead, the weight just keeps piling on top. I don’t want to keep going anymore. At 21 years old, all I see is negativity and darkness in this world. How can anyone focus on the positive energy? I applaud those who do and envy them.
I want to share these feeling I have with the people I think deserve to hear them, which is just about everyone I have interacted with this past semester. However, at the same time, I feel guilty for having these feelings and wanting to share them with everyone. Because yes, I am selfish, and I’m foolish. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. I want validation, I want someone to tell me I’m the the horrible person I think I am. At the same time I don’t want pity, I don’t want unending attention. I just want to stop feeling alone for more than a few minutes. I want to take an hour freak from the weight I carry on my shoulders. I want to feel as though I deserve that break…
Every night for the last four months I go to bed wondering what it would be like if I slipped away quietly in the middle of the night, off to other parts of the world without a trace. I wonder how fast life would continue to go on if my heart were to stop beating. At least then i would know I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. I could just drip everything, disappear, stick to myself…run away.
Some nights it gets so dark, I don’t know how I’m going to wake up and get through the day, let alone get out of bed. The amount of self hatred I carry for myself is soul shattering. All I every see of myself is how immature I was, or how selfish I’ve been, how I act like a bitch, how I hurt someone, how I’ve shifted responsibility, how lazy I’ve been, how I haven’t faced the truth, how I rely on others too much, or how I use things as an excuse.
Every day I weigh my worth and come up empty handed. I carry so much guilt. So you ask, “why don’t you change it?” Well, do you really want to know the fucked up part of this whole situation. …Because I fucking get off on it. I’m an emotional masochist…most of the time I set myself up to fail. Because something in me is addicted to the suffering. What kind of person am I because of that? How could I ever be okay with that?
That is the person I have become and I don’t know any other way. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to know another way.
I feel so alone. I feel that no on understands my physical conditions…how could they? I have diabetes, type 1. Yes I have taken advantage of that fact and I’m not proud of it. I’ve gotten better at not doing so, at least I hope I have…but what do I know? I understand that a lot of people do indeed have it worse off. I could have been dealt a shittier hand, and I’m thankful that that is not the case. But at the same time, i have no clue what to do with the hand I was dealt. Diabetes kills one slowly if not managed correctly. I look perfectly fine on the outside, that people don’t understand why sometimes I have to sit down just to do 10 minutes of work. Or they don’t understand that sometimes my blood sugar goes so high and my brain function slows down so much that I barely know my name and the world moves slower than a snail to me. Recently, I was told that if I don’t get my shit together that I could need a kidney transplant or be on dialysis in less than 5 years. I own up to the fact that I have been a shitty caretaker to myself. I own up to the fact that I am an adult and need to take responsibility for myself and that I need to take better care of myself. But the truth is, I need help..I don’t know where I can receive that help, or that I should even receive it because what 21 year old can’t take care of their fucking self?
I recently discovered I hurt a friend. I know I was doing it in my subconscious and I took them and their abilities for granted. yes, I made excuses, I took advantage of things, and I’m truly sorry for doing so, I really am.
I mentioned earlier how I always wonder about slipping away, but I can’t. Running away or dying would be the wrong way out. I’m too scared to face the truth, to own up to my responsibilities, my mistakes. But I have forced myself to stay every day, and I force myself to be aware of all that I need to own up to.
It’s not perfect, and I haven’t really made any progress. I know this. But I needed to get this off my chest. I needed to get it out to more than just my therapist. I just needed to reach out to another human being…I just need some validation…I need someone to carry the weight for just a minute…one minute..
AFTER 3 WEEKS….I finally have my computer back, and it’s working!